Tag Archives: love

Insecure

I believed in what we had

More than I believed in what I could bring

See, I looked to you to carry it all

And all I had to give you was a ring

Satisfaction didn’t need to be grounded in action

It was the mere fact that I was right there with you

Paid no mind to the signs

Never really worried about your issues

Not a we nor an I

It was all about the problems of you

You’d see I was a God and would figure out what to do

And when your routine switched up

My failure as a man only presented as anger

And when the weed smoked settled

I saw you as a stranger

Again it was about you

And the ills of your ways

You needed to be treated like a child

I wanted to know how you spent your days

And nights even… whenever we were separate

I got tight

I could barely touch your skin

Without wanting to fight

Thinking you was laid up with your lace stuff

Getting straight fucked

in a place nothing like home…. it was something I made up

Back blown out, that’s why I can’t be leaving you alone

Or you can’t be leaving me

Constantly checking my phone

See this is where my mind goes

That insecurity got me swaying like the wind blows

That stability that is needed

I didn’t bring my share

I just wanted a piece of property

The rest I really didn’t care

I brought nothing to the table except drama and pain

All from providing nothing

Now I won’t be seeing you again

See I looked to you to carry it all

That’s what I said before

But I thought you wanted to stay right here

Never wanting more….from me

So I didn’t change, shit I really didn’t try

We already on paper

I thought there was no saying goodbye

It’s cheaper to keep her, yeah I heard it before

But my love was already bankrupt

She ain’t got nothing to stay for

See that love was supposed to grow

As we did the same together

There’d be dips along the way

Put we promised that for better

Or worse, those words were lies for you and me both

There was no growth so now the salted land is burning the oath

We were never truly meant for this

One of us wasn’t ready,

I’ll continue to point at you though

Me changing is too heavy

So the separation is next who gets what

It don’t even matter

We’ve got nothing to split

Except happily ever after

Oh you want that D now

Sign on the dotted line then

Don’t let the door hit you on your way out

And no we can’t be friends

So now I’m back where I started

Alone here with me

And some hoes in my contact list

Dam it feels good to be free

Or am I fronting

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Emotional (Part 2, The Break Up) 2 of 3

You left hours ago

Yet I can still feel the words bouncing off my neck

“I love you,” you said

As I lay inside of you

Your sweat indistinguishable from mine

Our skin yearning to hold onto each other….for just another moment

Or was it mine just grasping

How my heart aches because I know where you’re headed

A familiar pillow will sit beneath you

Or as it is, familiar now….I’m just saying

You said the words that broke the bond

You did the deed that broke the trust

But I couldn’t help but try to hold on

Even though you were getting pushed further away with every thrust

It was a good-bye that pulled tears

And a barrage of apologies that fell on deaf ears

It’s not fair that your world remains seemingly steady

And though the near future will see a flood of unidentified oceans for me to jump in

It’ll be like breaking windows while walking down the street

Just to get to the next corner

Destructive, yes…but it’s all I can do to not jump in front of that vehicle

So I’ll do a dirty deed or two, and keep heading straight

Because what brought us here was a series of wrong turns

Followed by rug burns

But never a true bandage to the internal scars that developed daily

An ignorance to the reality of the situation

I mean, was I really playing my part or just frontin’

Did I really take care of your heart

Shit, you don’t come with instructions, why didn’t you speak up

Guess it’s hard when I constantly have your feet up

Who cares now, because the dust has settled

And the exit tracks have been made

And it was silly to think that you might make a u-turn strictly because of my tool

But I tried to put in work

I know, these thoughts make me look like a fool,

But if you were me you’d understand.

Shit isn’t that what made you stray in the first place

Or so my insecure ass thinks anyway.

Can’t quite figure it all out

And the cloudiness of my mind makes it all the more difficult

It hurts more because I know I’m no saint

But I was still willing to put the work in

So that makes me better than you

Which isn’t a prize worth claiming

So I let him have the “trophy”

For tomorrow his mantle might be empty

And the destruction that is you

Will only do what you do….so well

Over and over again

Truth is, my happiness is just a couple of blocks up

And I’m heading in its direction

While you move further away from yours

And for that, you’ll forever remain empty

And ain’t shit I can do for you.

Memories (Real Talk)

The meaning of life is debatable.  Each individual may have their own take on what that actually means.  But regardless of the meaning, I know one thing is important; we must create memories.  Not only for ourselves, but for our loved ones.  I was thinking earlier today (I don’t know what sparked these thoughts), but I was suddenly remembering playing board games with my mother and sister when I was young.  The feeling it gave me to think about those times was amazing.  We would play Payday, Life, or Sorry.  I don’t remember it being often, but I remember it was often enough.  Something that I really enjoyed doing.

I also remember playing card games with my mother, father, and sister.  We would play rummy 500.  I don’t remember how we did it, but we somehow made bets using pennies.  It was so much fun.  I also remember playing backgammon.  I don’t have such fond memories of that one as I remember feeling it was a difficult game to learn.  Too cerebral for a young buck like me, lol.

I hadn’t thought of these memories in years.  But they obviously are embedded in my mind.  They remind me of a time that was not nearly as complicated as the present.  But it also made me think about how important it is to have those moments.  It’s kind of silly because I’m sure a lot of what we do is an attempt at creating them.  However, it’s sometimes those small things that assist with their creation.  Nothing forced or manufactured.  Just an ability to have fun in the moment.  It was much easier to do then, but doesn’t excuse us from doing it now.

I’ve heard a saying that goes something like, it’s not the destination, it’s the journey that’s most important.  I think that’s meant for relationships, but it’s very true.  I think that’s why I like the movie “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.”  It’s about cherishing memories, even if the destination was not planned (like a relationship that doesn’t last).  I guess my overall point is to have fun with life.  Create memories with the person you are with.  Create memories for your family.  Create memories for your children because as my thoughts earlier proved, they stick with you.  They make you feel good to think about.  It makes you love live for what it has given you, and the potential it has as well.  Just my thoughts.

Have a great, memory filled week!!!

Real Talk (Real Emotion)

I wrote this back in 2005, and it still has meaning today and so I felt it appropriate to share again.  Enjoy this Second Thought (Real Talk) throwback.

It seems as if we were never happier than during those times when we were burped, hugged, kissed, changed, and allowed to sleep in the arms of the people who loved us.

             In this age of e-communication, we have begun to lose touch with a lot of the human interactions that make us unique.  We have traded in pure emotions for little smiley faces, and abbreviations that supposedly describe how we feel.  As convenient as this may be, it does not satisfy the internal human need to express ourselves, or be the recipient of this expression, physically and in person.  The letters <LOL> do not replace the pure joy we get from hearing the laughter of someone we care about.  Imagine your kid, your niece, or your god- child…now trade in the smiles you love to see on their faces for the letters LOL on a cold computer screen.  Feels kind of empty right? 

             I will admit that it feels good to get an email forwarded from a friend that says some sweet words, or an email that says I’m being electronically hugged.  But, I would trade in every single one of those emails for an actual hug.  It seems as if we are quick to <forward> and <send> one of those emails to our loved ones, but we are not as quick to give a real hug, or express, one on one, how we really feel about them.

             It’s about time that we put some extra effort in to expressing our raw emotions.  After you come home from work or from school, hug someone you love.  Not the half-hearted hug that you give to everyone, but a real loving hug.  Sit down and talk, even if for just 15 minutes, with someone you care about.  Call someone you haven’t talked to in a while, and hear their voice.  Make them laugh, or listen to them cry.  If you have a special someone, give them a passionate kiss, or just lay in each others arms in silence. 

             All of the medications, yoga classes, and fancy stress relief solutions in the world will never feel better than the feeling of being loved by a loved one.  It’s just that simple.  I wish you a good week….

             

Real Talk (Re-charged)

Years ago, I used to send out a weekly note originally titled “Second Thought,” and subsequently called “Real Talk.”  It was my attempt to speak to a wide range of people on topics that I found to be important at the time of the writing.  Due to personal obstacles, I discontinued writing.  Recently, I’ve thought about picking up where I left off, and I figure this blog to be the perfect forum.  As with Second Thought (Real Talk), I will publish on a topic each Sunday.  For those of you who follow this blog (Train of Thought), I will still post on other days, but Sunday’s will be dedicated to Second Thought (Real Talk).  Note that I will change the name at some point in the future, since the term “Real Talk” is used so frequently these days.

Today’s topic is one that is most likely at the top of everyone’s mind.  On Friday, September 14th, we all witnessed a horrific event take place in Newton, CT.  Our kids are a most precious gift, and it still brings tears to my eyes to know that these innocent lives were taken in such a violent way.

I was reading a post on FaceBook about these killings, and someone used this instance as a justification that there is no God.  How could a superior being who loves us, let something so terrible happen to individuals who have not even begun to live their lives.  I understand this course of thinking, but I want to look at it a bit deeper.  God, this superior being, is all about love…His son Jesus is about faith.  How better to test your love of, and faith in, God than by hardship (I’m not going to go all religious either).  But even beyond that.  Let’s think about the bigger picture…or let’s imagine that God is thinking about the bigger picture.

Terrorist attacks, storms, and massacres….all of these things that sicken the majority of us, fail to make us see that loving one another is the only way.  That peace, and taking care of our fellow man is what will sustain us.  The bigger picture is that these little angels are sitting at the side of God in his kingdom.  But whether you believe in God and heaven or not, the fact is, these 20 babies were sacrificed.  They were taken, and your anger and sadness today, has to translate into something more; otherwise, the losses were in vain.  Some say gun control is what’s needed.  Others turn to the handling of mental illness.  Whatever the debate, the bottom line is about how we treat one another.  The bottom line is, what we identify as important.  We live in a world where we know what’s right and what’s wrong…and we know where we need to have some serious debate.  Yet, we tend to lock ourselves in our own little world and live life as if it revolves around us.

I hate to say it, but acts like this will be repeated…over and over again, until we take a stand.  Good outnumbers evil by a long shot, but evil is much more motivated.  We have to change that.  Doing good, and seeing good done has to take a more active role in all of our lives.  We are not always going to agree, nor do we need to.  But for those of us who have good in our heart, we can’t let conflict turn to unnecessary violence.  We have to take better care of one another.  What that means in practical terms???  I don’t know.  I don’t have all of the answers.  But we can’t continue to be helpless.  We can’t continue to complain about our situation, but offer no solutions.  We can’t continue to let hate, distrust, and misunderstandings be the things that motivate us.  It starts with you in your personal life.  With showing those close to you how much you love them.  Teaching them to love and commit selfless acts.  It’s not an easy thing to do, and it takes work and practice.  You will find yourself “back sliding” from time to time.  But if you continue to work at it…not giving up on yourselves or others, you will get there.  Donate to charities, volunteer to help others who are less fortunate…say a nice word or two to unsuspecting people.  I don’t know, but something has to be done.  Just my thoughts…and I’m not above this advice.  I have work to do as well.  I pray that I’m successful.

Names of those lost:

Charlotte Bacon, 6

Daniel Barden, 7

Rachel Davino, 29

Olivia Engel, 6

Josephine Gay, 7

Ana M Marquez-Greene, 6

Dylan Hockley, 6

Dawn Hocksprung, 47

Madeline F. Hsu, 6

Catherine V. Hubbard, 6

Chase Kowalski, 7

Jesse Lewis, 6

James Mattioli, 6

Grace McDonnell, 7

Anne Marie Murphy, 52

Emilie Parker, 6

Jack Pinto, 6

Noah Pozner, 6

Caroline Previdi, 6

Jessica Rekos, 6

Avielle Richman, 6

Lauren Russeau, 30*

Mary Sherlach, 56

Victoria Soto, 27

Benjamin Wheeler, 6

Allison N Wyatt, 6

How do you know?

How do you know when you really are feeling it for someone else?  I don’t know for sure, but I say that if you fear injury to yourself for fear of hurting that other person, you might be really feeling it for them. 

If you’re in the car with your boy and he’s driving crazy or reckless, and you want him to stop because you want to live to see your girl again, you might be really feeling it for her. 
If you ask the Lord to keep you safe and away from harm because you are so excited and interested in seeing what the future holds for the two of you, you just might be really feeling it….ijs 

Looking for Love metaphor

There’s a popular philosophy about not always looking to be in a relationship. It says something about love will find you when you’re not looking or least expect it.

Here’s a metaphor I would like to use. Eh em….

If you walk around the streets paying no attention to what’s going on around you, you’re likely to get hit by a car at some point.

Did I miss the mark?