Category Archives: Relationships

Insecure

I believed in what we had

More than I believed in what I could bring

See, I looked to you to carry it all

And all I had to give you was a ring

Satisfaction didn’t need to be grounded in action

It was the mere fact that I was right there with you

Paid no mind to the signs

Never really worried about your issues

Not a we nor an I

It was all about the problems of you

You’d see I was a God and would figure out what to do

And when your routine switched up

My failure as a man only presented as anger

And when the weed smoked settled

I saw you as a stranger

Again it was about you

And the ills of your ways

You needed to be treated like a child

I wanted to know how you spent your days

And nights even… whenever we were separate

I got tight

I could barely touch your skin

Without wanting to fight

Thinking you was laid up with your lace stuff

Getting straight fucked

in a place nothing like home…. it was something I made up

Back blown out, that’s why I can’t be leaving you alone

Or you can’t be leaving me

Constantly checking my phone

See this is where my mind goes

That insecurity got me swaying like the wind blows

That stability that is needed

I didn’t bring my share

I just wanted a piece of property

The rest I really didn’t care

I brought nothing to the table except drama and pain

All from providing nothing

Now I won’t be seeing you again

See I looked to you to carry it all

That’s what I said before

But I thought you wanted to stay right here

Never wanting more….from me

So I didn’t change, shit I really didn’t try

We already on paper

I thought there was no saying goodbye

It’s cheaper to keep her, yeah I heard it before

But my love was already bankrupt

She ain’t got nothing to stay for

See that love was supposed to grow

As we did the same together

There’d be dips along the way

Put we promised that for better

Or worse, those words were lies for you and me both

There was no growth so now the salted land is burning the oath

We were never truly meant for this

One of us wasn’t ready,

I’ll continue to point at you though

Me changing is too heavy

So the separation is next who gets what

It don’t even matter

We’ve got nothing to split

Except happily ever after

Oh you want that D now

Sign on the dotted line then

Don’t let the door hit you on your way out

And no we can’t be friends

So now I’m back where I started

Alone here with me

And some hoes in my contact list

Dam it feels good to be free

Or am I fronting

Emotional (Part 3, Things) 3 of 3

You left…so long ago

And I want to begin my journey forward

But how can I begin to make that next move

When the past continues to sit right in front of me

Most of it hidden away in boxes

But it still screams at me

In the night as the liquor flows

The sounds only seem to get louder

And all I can do to get through, is to listen

I’ve pretended for as long as I can

But the things get the upperhand….occassionally.

I just wish I could sleep

Without seeing them floating

Causing dreams that make being awake a nightmare

There truly is no escape

And as I close the books, and put away the pictures

Assuming it’s all locked away

Something rears its head

And I’m back where I started.

Rummaging through the embedded memories

Watching as if it were a motion picture

The scenes more dramatic when played back like this

They make me more emotional

And suddenly, I’m back in that room

With the portal re-opened

The visuals more real than my mind could imagine

Wondering when this cycle will end

Hoping it never does

As the emotion keeps me connected to you

And somehow that gives me hope

Gives us hope.

I sometimes I see beyond those things in that box

I see things that don’t belong to me

They belong to the world, yet they are mine…my burden

That tree we had our first kiss underneath

Or that coffee shop we ate in every Saturday morning

Even that bar you met him at

All reminders, some gentle and some so heavy

Of a time that has expired

I swear I’m ready to move on

But how….how can one take that next step

How can one move forward

When with every step, I risk

Running into one of these Things?

Emotional (Part 1, The Beginning) 1 of 3

You left hours ago

And though I’m alone, I don’t feel empty

Your love has brought me further than I ever imagined possible

And though I’m unsure of our direction, I do know that your love is uplifting

Not to be cornered by the usual suspects of jealousy and envy

That upward movement can only take us over and above the haters

Yes, they will do what they do, and you and I will keep it moving

As they self destruct in our wake

Their emptiness is of no concern to me

Their bitterness toward our happiness, is a trophy worthy of its weight to them

And like a prize to us, for we wish them well,

And we are better for it.

I lay here smiling because I worked so hard for you, before you

I wasn’t a saint, but for every one of them, I’ll show you a sinner

My mind previously clouded with thoughts of just getting some

Has figured out that my focus on just getting one is more than enough

No longer insecure….I’m sure you are all I want and need

I no longer look to stray to have something to say to the homeboys

They’ll never understand, but it’s all good because it’s not about them anyway

Truth be told, I’d rather be a fool to them than to you

Shit, I can’t believe what I’m saying…but I’m truly trying to put in work

It’s weird because I’m using all the tools I picked up along the way

And this time I swear, I’m not taking any emergency exits

I’m occupying your soul until I collect dust

So instruct me the best way you know how

Of the ways to make your heart happy

Because I’d be sick if I only ended up playing a small part

A trivial role in your life, ignorant to the art….that is us

I know I can be a bandage to your past scars

The arson to burn those, forgettable relationship, bridges

And guarantee any future turn you make will be in the right direction

My sense for you has been strong since birth

It just took me awhile to find you as I had to work on my vehicle

Not necessarily one that corners well

But one that could deal with life’s ups and downs without breaking…no insecurities

So now the confidence I have built, will allow me to carry us through floods…if necessary

Preserving the world I’m so certain we can construct

And offering no apologies to those who go against us

Which may mean saying goodbye to a few who don’t want to see our success

Let their hate thrust us even closer

And hold on even tighter

Wow…maybe I’m moving too fast, but the deed to my heart

Is already yours, and the bond that is developing

Is a feeling that is so unfamiliar to me

All that being said, I don’t truly know where we are headed

And I may be just grasping at straws

But in this moment, where my head is swimming in the possibilities

The future of my relations is almost indistinguishable from yours

And once I lay inside of you, consummating our bond

A simple I love you will be all that is needed

Followed by a kiss on the neck

And there isn’t shit I wouldn’t do for you!

The Importance of Communication

Communication can be seen In one of two ways

It can be an open book Or have you lying for days

It don’t matter what the subject matter you can still pay

For things that you do or the things you don’t say

It gets even worse when it’s a game that you play

Fucking with the other persons mind knowing that you just may

Cause a scar so deep that time will not fade

All because of a decision whose outcome you never weighed

You feel like they do it to so you thinking it’s okay

But from two wrongs one right was never made

And it coulda been avoided if you just caved

Said what’s on your mind the relationship you coulda saved

Now the lies go so deep you can only bathe

In the turmoil you caused now you’d better pray

For another chance and not keep the lines so gray

It may have worked when you were trying keeping love away

But that was another life and whole ‘nother time

All that bullshit worked before you found your dime

So respect the relationship and stay on your grind

I swear if you communicate it’s possible to find

That happiness you seek I know cuz I found mine

It’s a work in progress but yeah I’m doing fine

So say what’s on your mind and remember to stay true

Cause any communicating you don’t do is ultimately hurting you.

Preparations

To prepare for something, is a good thing.  I get that, but what I don’t like is having to speak with my father about his preparation for when he’s no longer here.  Certainly, there’s no one on earth who is going to be here indefinitely.  We all recognize that there will be a time when our loved ones are no longer here.  For some of us, we have already lost close loved ones, so the thought is also a reality.  Even still, having to deal with it beforehand is not something that is desirable.

I’m mature enough t know that I need to have these talks with my dad.  I need to know where to find the deeds, and what the codes to the safe are, and who the mansions and yachts go to (me, my brother, or my sister).  But just because I know I should know, doesn’t mean I want to know, or more specifically…it doesn’t mean I want to face the reality of a future without my father.

But not only did I not want to have the conversation because of my fears, I didn’t want to have the conversation because of what he must have been thinking.  I mean seriously, how must it feel to have to begin to prepare a world…prepare your loved ones for when you’re gone?  Imagine getting a babysitter, dog sitter, house sitter.  That’s a temporary situation, but think about having to apply that to a situation where you know you’re never coming back.  The thing is, my dad is a smart guy.  He knows how important this stuff is, and he knows he has to prepare us for something that is eventually inevitable and out of his control, so I recognize how important this is.  I don’t know if his preparations mean he’s accepted that it will one day happen, or if he’s just being him (he is an all around prepared kind of individual).

The other thing to note is that we are not talking about a seventy or eighty year old man.  He’s not even in his sixties yet!!!  I guess that’s the other thing that seems so premature to me (“pop, I don’t want to talk about that”).  I guess I just assume he’s got a good twenty or thirty years ahead of him, which I’m sure he does and means he will have to prepare us multiple times as things change in his life.  Ugh!!!  I appreciate his goal, but I do hate the conversation.

Memories (Real Talk)

The meaning of life is debatable.  Each individual may have their own take on what that actually means.  But regardless of the meaning, I know one thing is important; we must create memories.  Not only for ourselves, but for our loved ones.  I was thinking earlier today (I don’t know what sparked these thoughts), but I was suddenly remembering playing board games with my mother and sister when I was young.  The feeling it gave me to think about those times was amazing.  We would play Payday, Life, or Sorry.  I don’t remember it being often, but I remember it was often enough.  Something that I really enjoyed doing.

I also remember playing card games with my mother, father, and sister.  We would play rummy 500.  I don’t remember how we did it, but we somehow made bets using pennies.  It was so much fun.  I also remember playing backgammon.  I don’t have such fond memories of that one as I remember feeling it was a difficult game to learn.  Too cerebral for a young buck like me, lol.

I hadn’t thought of these memories in years.  But they obviously are embedded in my mind.  They remind me of a time that was not nearly as complicated as the present.  But it also made me think about how important it is to have those moments.  It’s kind of silly because I’m sure a lot of what we do is an attempt at creating them.  However, it’s sometimes those small things that assist with their creation.  Nothing forced or manufactured.  Just an ability to have fun in the moment.  It was much easier to do then, but doesn’t excuse us from doing it now.

I’ve heard a saying that goes something like, it’s not the destination, it’s the journey that’s most important.  I think that’s meant for relationships, but it’s very true.  I think that’s why I like the movie “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.”  It’s about cherishing memories, even if the destination was not planned (like a relationship that doesn’t last).  I guess my overall point is to have fun with life.  Create memories with the person you are with.  Create memories for your family.  Create memories for your children because as my thoughts earlier proved, they stick with you.  They make you feel good to think about.  It makes you love live for what it has given you, and the potential it has as well.  Just my thoughts.

Have a great, memory filled week!!!

First Date Musts (For Men)

If you are single and dating, this is a must read.  All too often, we wonder what it is we need to do in order to attract the opposite sex.  There are too many variables to consider when it comes to attracting a woman (which I may cover at a later date), but if you have been lucky enough to get a date, there are only a few things you need to know in order to get a second date.  Do these things and you are almost guaranteed to see her again.  So without further delay.

1. Choose a thoughtful place for the date.  Dinner and a movie is for chumps (do people say chump anymore).  There’s comedy shows, adult arcades, etc…but if you really want to impress her, take her to a strip club.  Right off the bat she’ll be smitten by your appreciation of women.  In addition, your willingness to give charity to these young struggling women (who are obviously paying their way through school), highlights your giving nature.  Lastly, her self esteem will soar because she’ll immediately feel better about herself for not having to do such things for money; relying on her mind as opposed to her body, for profit.

2.

Don’t ask too many questions.  Women hate to feel like they are being interrogated.  If you ask too many questions she will feel as if you are being nosy, and immediately become insecure.  Furthermore, she’s going to feel that you have something to hide, which will make her suspicious.  You should only talk about yourself, and whenever she begins to talk about herself, direct the conversation back to you.  She’ll be relieved that you are so in touch with yourself and can articulate all of the great things about you so easily.  It makes the “what do I like about him” conversation with her girlfriends later, easier.

3.  At least twice during the date, you must call her the name of an ex-girlfriend.  On the surface, this may sound like a bad idea, but women want to know you have the ability to love.  What better way to show your ability than to show that you still have another woman on your mind.  She will find this endearing, and anxiously hope that she will one day be the woman you mistakenly call another woman.

4.

Be sure to compliment her on how she looks.  Not a subtle, “you look nice.”  Be very specific about a body part you are complimenting.  Chances are, she’s worked very hard to make herself look a certain way, and it’s almost rude to not point it out.  “Wow, you have huge perky breasts,” or “those lips look so good I can only imagine how they’d feel on every part of my body.”  These are the types of things she wants to hear.  It will make her feel as if all of her pre-date preparation was well worth it.

5.  At the end of the night, go in for a big wet tongue kiss.  Make sure you try to stick your tongue all the way down her throat, so to speak.  Tongue kissing is like the placement of the garter at a wedding.  The further you can get your tongue passed her lips, the more dates you guaranteed to have.  That may be an old wise tale, but the truth is, she wants to know if you like her.  You can tell her you like her, but actions speak louder than words.  A long wet tongue to the back of the throat is just the key.

If you’re feeling really connected, place your palm on her behind.  These acts together tell her that you like her, and you think she has a nice body.  She will feel well complimented and may invite you in at this point.  What you do from here, is up to you my friend.

BONUS

Get drunk.  A woman wants a manly man.  Manly men drink, and they drink a lot.  It must be beer, scotch, or hard liquor straight up.  No mixed drinks allowed.  Make sure she knows at the end of the date, she was on a date with a man!!!

Use these tips wisely, and you are well on your way to a second date.  You’re welcome!!