Category Archives: Rants

Hanging Graves

I should start by saying, I have serious issues.

Recently, I was sitting in my bosses boss’s office having a typical meeting.  I don’t normally let my mind wander while having these conversations but as the conversation was nearing a resolution, my mind began to find other things to notice.

So he’s an avid hiker.  I’m pretty sure he’d rather deal with the woods before dealing with any one of us that report to him, but he gets paid to deal with us, so there he sits.  As an avid hiker, he has pictures of some of the trails he has hiked.  I’ve seen these pictures every day for a few years now.  But, as I sit there on this day, I began to have a very morbid thought.  Likely, due to my brain preoccupied with serious analysis for a few hours and in need of some entertainment.

I began to think about my boss as a serial killer.  He killed along the trails while he hiked.  And the pictures in his office were actually pictures of grave sites.  His way of keeping a trophy of his deeds.  As I thought this, the lights began to go down, and I looked up to find his eyes piercing my soul.  He had noticed my preoccupation with the photos, and knew I was onto him.  As he stared at me, he knew that I would need to be dealt with.  He looked over to an empty spot on the wall, and immediately envisioned a new trophy….another photo of a grave site…and one less employee.

Like I said, I have issues.  My thoughts don’t typically get that weird, especially while at work.  The little man in my head was hard at work that day (I’ll tell you about him some other time).  I may never know the true innocence or horror of those photos, but I’m sure I’ll think about it every time I’m back in that office.  I mean, it’s not impossible, right?

Advertisements

Emotional (Part 2, The Break Up) 2 of 3

You left hours ago

Yet I can still feel the words bouncing off my neck

“I love you,” you said

As I lay inside of you

Your sweat indistinguishable from mine

Our skin yearning to hold onto each other….for just another moment

Or was it mine just grasping

How my heart aches because I know where you’re headed

A familiar pillow will sit beneath you

Or as it is, familiar now….I’m just saying

You said the words that broke the bond

You did the deed that broke the trust

But I couldn’t help but try to hold on

Even though you were getting pushed further away with every thrust

It was a good-bye that pulled tears

And a barrage of apologies that fell on deaf ears

It’s not fair that your world remains seemingly steady

And though the near future will see a flood of unidentified oceans for me to jump in

It’ll be like breaking windows while walking down the street

Just to get to the next corner

Destructive, yes…but it’s all I can do to not jump in front of that vehicle

So I’ll do a dirty deed or two, and keep heading straight

Because what brought us here was a series of wrong turns

Followed by rug burns

But never a true bandage to the internal scars that developed daily

An ignorance to the reality of the situation

I mean, was I really playing my part or just frontin’

Did I really take care of your heart

Shit, you don’t come with instructions, why didn’t you speak up

Guess it’s hard when I constantly have your feet up

Who cares now, because the dust has settled

And the exit tracks have been made

And it was silly to think that you might make a u-turn strictly because of my tool

But I tried to put in work

I know, these thoughts make me look like a fool,

But if you were me you’d understand.

Shit isn’t that what made you stray in the first place

Or so my insecure ass thinks anyway.

Can’t quite figure it all out

And the cloudiness of my mind makes it all the more difficult

It hurts more because I know I’m no saint

But I was still willing to put the work in

So that makes me better than you

Which isn’t a prize worth claiming

So I let him have the “trophy”

For tomorrow his mantle might be empty

And the destruction that is you

Will only do what you do….so well

Over and over again

Truth is, my happiness is just a couple of blocks up

And I’m heading in its direction

While you move further away from yours

And for that, you’ll forever remain empty

And ain’t shit I can do for you.

Dear Life

I don’t typically write poetry using rhymes, but sometimes the mood just strikes me.  When I do write using rhymes, I wish I could record the reading because I feel my cadence makes more sense that way.  In any case, read the poem below.  Poetry is open to many interpretations, and if you have the time, I’d be interested in knowing yours, or your thoughts period.

Dear Life

Bumping in the dark trying to find my direction

Feeling pretty good but upon further inspection

It seems I lost my way many miles ago

With no miles to show, and no tread left on these tires, man I’m tired

So it’s hard to go back and redo my journey

Even when my family and friends try to do things to turn me

And it’s not that I don’t want to, I just see it ending in failure

That’s a feeling, for me, that’s all too familiar…or is that just me?

So I found my way to cope in this life so dear

It can’t be just about success or enhancing my career

It’s about living carefree and soaking in the adrenaline

And reliving those moments by telling those stories again and again

Not sure how I went so far left steady trying to convince everyone else that I’m alright

Feeling so far off from being centered when I’m laying down at night

But when the light shines in the morning I can put it on again

Leaning on the addictions that are like metaphorical friends

The stogs, the blunts, the sweet and dizzying concoctions

Seem to move me in slow motion so I can weigh my options

Which seem like none,

But I should fight some, for the good life huh?

Yeah, I’ll let you tell it

As I write my words to you, DEAR LIFE!!!

Can you hear me calling out waiting for you to get at me

Or are you sitting back and laughing at me casually

It’s a battle out there and I don’t think any of us are winning

We might need your mercy to let us start all over…from the beginning

My ups and downs, my rights and my wrongs

Maybe the answers are buried in versus and psalms

But how do you help the mute and the illiterate

I’m stressed out here and I need an edge…just a little bit

Or life, I might just get rid of it,

I feel like an idiot

So in closing, I’m shining the light hoping you finally see

That I’m holding on for dear life, to come rescue me.

Sometimes, Humans Just Suck

If you never have to tell your kids to be aware of their surroundings, you don’t understand.. If you never have to tell your kids that the law is not on their side, you don’t understand.. Unfortunately, a lot of you don’t understand…”

Walter Greene

The above quote is from a friend of mine on Facebook.  I didn’t ask him what this was in reference to, but I can be almost certain it has to do with the outcome in the George Zimmerman trial, and the subsequent reaction.  The thing is, there are a lot of people who would like to believe that racism and discrimination does not exist beyond the minds of those minorities claiming it, or the White’s who support those claims.  My interpretation of what my friend is saying is this…

You might not understand why so many Black people feel so connected to this case, if you haven’t had our experiences.  I could use slavery, and the hundreds of years of persecution, but I won’t.  What I will say is, you might not understand our anger if you never looked in the history books or watched film, and saw people of your race being sprayed with water hoses, and hung from trees.  And I’m not talking about hundreds of years ago, I’m talking about less than 50 years ago.  If you looked back and saw those repeated images and instances involving people who looked just like you, you just might get it…

You might not understand if you’ve never went to pay for something at the store, and the clerk immediately thought you were going to pay with your EBT card…

You might not understand if you’ve never gone to visit your friend of a different race at her home, only to have the neighbors call the cops because you and your friend looked “suspicious” while conspicuously walking up the driveway to the front door.

You might not understand if you’ve never been followed through a store as you browsed like a normal patron would do.

You might not understand if you never had someone lock their car door because you were crossing the street, or had someone clutch their purse because you were walking in their direction along the sidewalk.

You might not understand if you’ve never been pulled over and had your car searched, for no reason….no reason meaning, you didn’t even get so much as a seat belt ticket.

You might not understand if you never had to fear pulling out a wallet, cell phone, or any item from a coat or pants pocket in the mere presence of a police officer, could get you killed

You might not understand if you never had the realization that you or your brother could just have easily been Amadou Dialo, Abner Louima, Sean Bell, or Trayvon Martin, to name a few.

The thing is, there are people who feel that the outrage at these types of incidents are overreactions.  They would like you to believe that these things could happen to anybody.  Well if that’s the case, why don’t these things happen to just anybody?  Maybe they’d like us to believe that it only gets attention because the news likes to sensationalize these things.  Well, how many of the major news outlets are owned and run by Black people?  I’ll wait if you’d like time to Google it…So, if these incidents aren’t true racial issues but more of an attempt by the media to make a story (or divert your attention), isn’t that still a form of exploitation that’s dictated by the color of our skin?  Isn’t that still a bad thing?  Do you get it yet, or do you still not understand??

The truth is, not every bad thing that happens to a person of color is about their skin color.  Thinking and acting that way is dangerous and irresponsible.  I truly believe that there are good people of all colors and backgrounds that want everyone to be treated equally.  Just like I think there are bad people of all colors and backgrounds out there who would put a gun to the back of your head without regard for your color.  Sometimes, humans just suck.  But it’s also dangerous to believe that violent racism doesn’t exist.  The longer we try to pretend that it’s a figment of a small groups imagination, the longer we will see these things happening.

For those of you who do not agree, that’s okay.  If you feel strongly that race is a non-issue, then there’s no talking to you.  I won’t even say if you are right or wrong.  What I will ask is that you not judge the reaction of others.  In a case like Trayon Martin, either be outraged that a 17 year old was killed, or be indifferent…just don’t be an asshole.  Especially if you have kids…because if you do, I’m sure the thought of losing them in such a violent way, and having no one held accountable (in essence being told your child deserved to die), I’d imagine is an unbearable pain.  The fact that part of a nation is expressing their pain along with you may be justified/comforting.  So unless you’ve experienced this kind of loss, you might not understand.

The loss of any young life is tragic!

Just Because You Can, Doesn’t Mean You Should (Part 1)

The title says it all.  There are lots of things you can do in life, but just because you can do them, doesn’t mean you should.  Here a few of those things that I can think of at this moment.

1. Careless Pedestrians

In NJ, it is state law to yield to pedestrians.  This is a great law, which is meant to reduce the number of people being hit by cars, especially in areas where there are a large amount of pedestrians.  Hoboken N.J is one of those places.  However, the side effect of such a law, is that people begin to think they are invincible.  That just because they are walking into a crosswalk, all cars should stop, and that they have no responsibility to protect themselves and the driver.  The truth is, not all situations will allow a vehicle to come to a complete stop to allow you to cross the street.  It’s important that you pay attention to the traffic just as much as they pay attention to you.  So just because the law says that cars must yield to you, don’t just jump into traffic assuming your actions are correct.

2.Chatty Cathy

They are developing quiet cars on trains for a reason.  While commuting to or from work, not everyone wants to hear your conversation, and they especially don’t want to hear your loud music.  Yes, it’s your phone (or iPod or whatever), and you have the right to use it however you want.  But just because you can, doesn’t always mean you should.  If you have to talk on the train or bus, try talking quietly.   Or don’t get mad when other people decide to chime in on the conversation.

3. Know-It-All

Some people are very smart.  You might actually be one of those very smart people.  But some smart people feel the need to always jump into a conversation and give their take on what’s being said because well…like I said, they’re so smart.  They either know how to do it, know where to find it, had a different experience that they want to tell, had a similar experience that they want to tell, have the answer (according to them) and so on.  The thing is, I have nothing against these smart people.  They have proven to be very helpful at times.  However, just because you can jump into a conversation that doesn’t involve you and bless it with your genius, doesn’t mean you should.  The world will go on if you keep your opinion…I mean, facts to yourself.  The rest of us idiots will get it eventually.

Life’s a Beach (Real Talk)

P1010764

We have all probably heard of the term, life’s a bitch.  Well, have you heard the term, life’s a beach?  I heard it sometime ago, and though I understood the play on words, I can’t say that I understood it’s meaning.  Then I went on vacation, and it made sense to me, so I wanted to share my understanding with you.

There are plenty of things going on while on the beach.  There are people trying to sell you stuff, and there are people who are paying no attention to you.  There are those who are relaxing and enjoying the sun, and those who are chasing kids around, and keeping them out of trouble.  There are those who are swimming around in the water, and those who are just walking up and down the beach aimlessly.  As I said, lots going on, if you’re paying attention.  Just as in life, you will pass people on a regular basis, who are all doing different things for different reasons.  But it’s very busy.

In addition, you will find different types of people.  Obviously, there are many races, religions, and depending on where the beach is, many different nationalities.  You will notice that there are those who are there to have fun.  They will find fun no matter what, and they will be loud about how much fun they are having.  Then there are the people who want to make friends.  They figure, we are all here for the same reason, and having someone good to talk to only enhances the experience.  There are also those who just want to be left alone.  They are there for themselves.  They don’t want to make friends, but they do want to have fun…fun with either just themselves or whomever they are there with.  There are also the parents who are only there for there kids to have a good time.  There are people who look like models in their bathing suits, but most of them are very average.  You get my point.

The fact is, the beach has a lot going on, with many different kinds of people enjoying it…just like life.  During my trip, I made a few other observations.  On a few of the mornings, it rained heavily for about 30 minutes.  There were also some people who decided to sensitive issues (politics, healthcare, etc…), which was probably inappropriate considering they had just met; I think some feathers got ruffled.  There were some people who were loud, obnoxious, and very irritating.  There were people who got in your space, asked personal questions, and sometimes the staff didn’t seem very polite.  But from what I could tell, most people didn’t let these things bother them.  And why didn’t they let these things bother them?  Because, regardless of all of these irritations, they were still on a beach….how could you be mad when you’re hanging out on the beach?

We should all have that same mentality when it comes to life.  All of these things going on, and all of these possible irritants…we let them get to us.  Big issues, or little ones….they bothers us and prevent us from seeing that despite it all, we are living.  We have been given life.  How could you, or why would you, be upset when you’re on this beach?

Life is your beach.  It may not be pretty everyday.  It may rain, or you may step on a shell.  Hell, you might even get stung by a jelly fish.  But you’re on a beach.  You’ve been given this life, and while you’re on that beach, you should enjoy every moment of it.

As always, just my two cents.  Have a great week!!

Preparations

To prepare for something, is a good thing.  I get that, but what I don’t like is having to speak with my father about his preparation for when he’s no longer here.  Certainly, there’s no one on earth who is going to be here indefinitely.  We all recognize that there will be a time when our loved ones are no longer here.  For some of us, we have already lost close loved ones, so the thought is also a reality.  Even still, having to deal with it beforehand is not something that is desirable.

I’m mature enough t know that I need to have these talks with my dad.  I need to know where to find the deeds, and what the codes to the safe are, and who the mansions and yachts go to (me, my brother, or my sister).  But just because I know I should know, doesn’t mean I want to know, or more specifically…it doesn’t mean I want to face the reality of a future without my father.

But not only did I not want to have the conversation because of my fears, I didn’t want to have the conversation because of what he must have been thinking.  I mean seriously, how must it feel to have to begin to prepare a world…prepare your loved ones for when you’re gone?  Imagine getting a babysitter, dog sitter, house sitter.  That’s a temporary situation, but think about having to apply that to a situation where you know you’re never coming back.  The thing is, my dad is a smart guy.  He knows how important this stuff is, and he knows he has to prepare us for something that is eventually inevitable and out of his control, so I recognize how important this is.  I don’t know if his preparations mean he’s accepted that it will one day happen, or if he’s just being him (he is an all around prepared kind of individual).

The other thing to note is that we are not talking about a seventy or eighty year old man.  He’s not even in his sixties yet!!!  I guess that’s the other thing that seems so premature to me (“pop, I don’t want to talk about that”).  I guess I just assume he’s got a good twenty or thirty years ahead of him, which I’m sure he does and means he will have to prepare us multiple times as things change in his life.  Ugh!!!  I appreciate his goal, but I do hate the conversation.