Category Archives: Love

Unleashed Hate

Today, I want to cry.  I’m not alone in how I’m feeling after the mass murder in Orlando.  Whether you call it a terrorist attack or a hate crime or something else, what happened was just senseless and heartbreaking.  But I don’t want to cry solely on the basis of what happened.

I’m upset because WE, created that attack.  WE, yes you reading this included, have created this environment.  How?  Well, we have allowed ourselves to hate.  We have used this thing called social media to say things to purposely get reactions out of people.  We like when we get under each others skin.  We hide behind our screen names and say things that are considered racist, homophobic, and sexist (among other things).  And then when these senseless things happen, we look and wonder why.  We ask over and over, how could this happen, and never look at ourselves.  Never look at how we speak to strangers online when it comes to things like politics, or something as trivial as sporting events.  Never think about how the threats of violence we dish out, or the many violent things we post actually create a violent society.  We can’t continue to do these things and then continue to deny responsibility.  And I speak about online behavior because our hate is more free-flowing that way, but certainly it’s evident in-person as well.

The truth is, you can’t compartmentalize hate.  You can’t spew, or even hint at hate, and act surprised when it ends up at your front door.  There’s no logic in hate.  It’s not like you can hate someone and have universal acceptance of that hate, which ultimately makes hate…. a subjective thing.  So if you can hate for the reasons that make sense to you, someone else can hate for the reasons that make sense to them.  Which means you can hate someone for their race, sexual preference, or religion…just as long as you’re willing to accept someone can hate you for what country you’re in, the color of your hair, or what job you have.  And sure, maybe the hate you have would never drive you to actually go out and hurt someone, but fanning that fire and encouraging someone else to do it is just as bad.  You’re just as accountable.

Just think…you can’t be at a football game, where a rival fan is cheering for his/her team, and threaten to kick their ass because of their enthusiasm, and then when another fan kicks their ass, pretend that you didn’t have a part in it.  Or worse, get mad when your friend/relative gets beat up for cheering for their team.

Maybe this only makes sense to me.  And I know people think the idea of loving one another is soft.  Truth is, it’s much easier to hate.  Loving people is hard.  It takes way more depth to love, but it just sounds too fluffy.  I don’t know when loving people became such a weak thing to do….maybe it’s always been that way, but that just sucks.  But I digress.

What’s even worse is that a tragedy like this, drives people further a part.  How in the world is that possible?  How can we all see an event so greatly tragic and horrible, and still look at our fellow man and make derogatory comments about how others feel, or how they want to prevent it in the future.  That’s why I want to cry.  We are not on a path to where things get better.  We are on a destructive path where a difference of opinion will lead to a fierce battle of will.  Digging in of heels, and refusal of compromise for fear of looking weak

I want to cry because I don’t know what to do.  I want to unite people.  Talk to you to help you see how you are a driver in this vehicle, but I fear I am too late.  I like to think that what I see on TV and online are the extremes, but I’m not seeing evidence of that.  I hope I’m wrong.  I love my fellow man.  I want to see no harm done to any of you, and I pray that those of similar views can come together and take control of this. out of control vehicle before it’s too late.

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Insecure

I believed in what we had

More than I believed in what I could bring

See, I looked to you to carry it all

And all I had to give you was a ring

Satisfaction didn’t need to be grounded in action

It was the mere fact that I was right there with you

Paid no mind to the signs

Never really worried about your issues

Not a we nor an I

It was all about the problems of you

You’d see I was a God and would figure out what to do

And when your routine switched up

My failure as a man only presented as anger

And when the weed smoked settled

I saw you as a stranger

Again it was about you

And the ills of your ways

You needed to be treated like a child

I wanted to know how you spent your days

And nights even… whenever we were separate

I got tight

I could barely touch your skin

Without wanting to fight

Thinking you was laid up with your lace stuff

Getting straight fucked

in a place nothing like home…. it was something I made up

Back blown out, that’s why I can’t be leaving you alone

Or you can’t be leaving me

Constantly checking my phone

See this is where my mind goes

That insecurity got me swaying like the wind blows

That stability that is needed

I didn’t bring my share

I just wanted a piece of property

The rest I really didn’t care

I brought nothing to the table except drama and pain

All from providing nothing

Now I won’t be seeing you again

See I looked to you to carry it all

That’s what I said before

But I thought you wanted to stay right here

Never wanting more….from me

So I didn’t change, shit I really didn’t try

We already on paper

I thought there was no saying goodbye

It’s cheaper to keep her, yeah I heard it before

But my love was already bankrupt

She ain’t got nothing to stay for

See that love was supposed to grow

As we did the same together

There’d be dips along the way

Put we promised that for better

Or worse, those words were lies for you and me both

There was no growth so now the salted land is burning the oath

We were never truly meant for this

One of us wasn’t ready,

I’ll continue to point at you though

Me changing is too heavy

So the separation is next who gets what

It don’t even matter

We’ve got nothing to split

Except happily ever after

Oh you want that D now

Sign on the dotted line then

Don’t let the door hit you on your way out

And no we can’t be friends

So now I’m back where I started

Alone here with me

And some hoes in my contact list

Dam it feels good to be free

Or am I fronting

Caught in the Matrix

“Perception is reality.”  I remember when I first graduated college, this was one of the first phrases I was taught by a new boss of mine.  It made so much sense, and it has allowed me to assess many situations in my life.  Today, I don’t want to go into much, but at this moment, I have Baltimore on my mind.  And this phrase crept its way into my consciousness, by way of Neo in The Matrix.

I’ll keep it simple.  One day, while racing for the phone/portal to bring him back to the real world, Neo was confronted by his enemies.  Up to this point, his best defense against them was to fight until there was space to run, and then fight another day.  However, on this particular day, at this particular moment, Neo took a different path.  Initially, his enemies (in their usual fashion) began shooting at him, and succeeded in “killing” him.  Sprinkle a little Hollywood magic and Neo was brought back to life.  At which point his enemies began shooting at him again.  This time, Neo understood what was happening around him.  He understood that these bullets weren’t real.  This world he was standing in, wasn’t real.  It was his perception of a reality created by someone else.  Once he finally realized that, he was able to simply look at the bullets closing in on him and say, “no!”  And they dropped to the ground.  From that point forward, Neo had a lot of control in this world.

I’ll stop there.  My point is, and maybe this only makes sense to me…If we continue to accept what someone else is telling us (largely the media and the government) about the current state of our race relations…if we continue to fight one another about who is right and who is wrong (dodging bullets), and retreat to our corners only to fight about the same issue at a later date, we will never get anywhere.  Those of us who truly want to see a country of equal citizens need to look these enemies in the face and say “no!”  This reality you’ve created by sensationalizing certain stories on the news, is not the reality I choose to live in.  All cops aren’t shooting black citizens.  All black citizens aren’t robbing, raping, and murdering.  And this resistance can be applied to any  “reality” for any race, religion, national origin, or gender that has been portrayed in a certain light.

Certainly, there are people who fit the narrative being highlighted.  But that’s just a part of the human experience.  There’s someone who looks just like you, or who shares your religion, or who shares your gender, who fits into that same narrative.  And I’m sure you’d find it to be unfair if someone judged you based on that person.  I’m just saying, we need to stop letting the media perception (it’s all about ratings anyway) dictate our reality.  I know this little, rarely read, blog won’t do much to change it.  But I needed to express my thoughts.  Stop arguing about who’s right or wrong on social media…stop calling people names, and making sweeping judgments based on what you see on TV, or recorded and posted to the internet (those people have their own agendas).  Let’s get out there and make our own reality.  Let’s create our own shared agenda.  The destruction of inequality, prejudice, and racism by eliminating it from ourselves and our surroundings, and highlighting and ostracizing those who refuse to do the same.

I don’t have all of the answers.  I know the challenges are complex, and in some instances, so woven into the fabric of our society that it will take decades to unravel.  But it has to start somewhere, and the best place for that is…in your mind.  See your reality different.  Exit the matrix, and bring the fight to the real enemies.

Emotional (Part 3, Things) 3 of 3

You left…so long ago

And I want to begin my journey forward

But how can I begin to make that next move

When the past continues to sit right in front of me

Most of it hidden away in boxes

But it still screams at me

In the night as the liquor flows

The sounds only seem to get louder

And all I can do to get through, is to listen

I’ve pretended for as long as I can

But the things get the upperhand….occassionally.

I just wish I could sleep

Without seeing them floating

Causing dreams that make being awake a nightmare

There truly is no escape

And as I close the books, and put away the pictures

Assuming it’s all locked away

Something rears its head

And I’m back where I started.

Rummaging through the embedded memories

Watching as if it were a motion picture

The scenes more dramatic when played back like this

They make me more emotional

And suddenly, I’m back in that room

With the portal re-opened

The visuals more real than my mind could imagine

Wondering when this cycle will end

Hoping it never does

As the emotion keeps me connected to you

And somehow that gives me hope

Gives us hope.

I sometimes I see beyond those things in that box

I see things that don’t belong to me

They belong to the world, yet they are mine…my burden

That tree we had our first kiss underneath

Or that coffee shop we ate in every Saturday morning

Even that bar you met him at

All reminders, some gentle and some so heavy

Of a time that has expired

I swear I’m ready to move on

But how….how can one take that next step

How can one move forward

When with every step, I risk

Running into one of these Things?

Emotional (Part 1, The Beginning) 1 of 3

You left hours ago

And though I’m alone, I don’t feel empty

Your love has brought me further than I ever imagined possible

And though I’m unsure of our direction, I do know that your love is uplifting

Not to be cornered by the usual suspects of jealousy and envy

That upward movement can only take us over and above the haters

Yes, they will do what they do, and you and I will keep it moving

As they self destruct in our wake

Their emptiness is of no concern to me

Their bitterness toward our happiness, is a trophy worthy of its weight to them

And like a prize to us, for we wish them well,

And we are better for it.

I lay here smiling because I worked so hard for you, before you

I wasn’t a saint, but for every one of them, I’ll show you a sinner

My mind previously clouded with thoughts of just getting some

Has figured out that my focus on just getting one is more than enough

No longer insecure….I’m sure you are all I want and need

I no longer look to stray to have something to say to the homeboys

They’ll never understand, but it’s all good because it’s not about them anyway

Truth be told, I’d rather be a fool to them than to you

Shit, I can’t believe what I’m saying…but I’m truly trying to put in work

It’s weird because I’m using all the tools I picked up along the way

And this time I swear, I’m not taking any emergency exits

I’m occupying your soul until I collect dust

So instruct me the best way you know how

Of the ways to make your heart happy

Because I’d be sick if I only ended up playing a small part

A trivial role in your life, ignorant to the art….that is us

I know I can be a bandage to your past scars

The arson to burn those, forgettable relationship, bridges

And guarantee any future turn you make will be in the right direction

My sense for you has been strong since birth

It just took me awhile to find you as I had to work on my vehicle

Not necessarily one that corners well

But one that could deal with life’s ups and downs without breaking…no insecurities

So now the confidence I have built, will allow me to carry us through floods…if necessary

Preserving the world I’m so certain we can construct

And offering no apologies to those who go against us

Which may mean saying goodbye to a few who don’t want to see our success

Let their hate thrust us even closer

And hold on even tighter

Wow…maybe I’m moving too fast, but the deed to my heart

Is already yours, and the bond that is developing

Is a feeling that is so unfamiliar to me

All that being said, I don’t truly know where we are headed

And I may be just grasping at straws

But in this moment, where my head is swimming in the possibilities

The future of my relations is almost indistinguishable from yours

And once I lay inside of you, consummating our bond

A simple I love you will be all that is needed

Followed by a kiss on the neck

And there isn’t shit I wouldn’t do for you!

Emotional (Part 2, The Break Up) 2 of 3

You left hours ago

Yet I can still feel the words bouncing off my neck

“I love you,” you said

As I lay inside of you

Your sweat indistinguishable from mine

Our skin yearning to hold onto each other….for just another moment

Or was it mine just grasping

How my heart aches because I know where you’re headed

A familiar pillow will sit beneath you

Or as it is, familiar now….I’m just saying

You said the words that broke the bond

You did the deed that broke the trust

But I couldn’t help but try to hold on

Even though you were getting pushed further away with every thrust

It was a good-bye that pulled tears

And a barrage of apologies that fell on deaf ears

It’s not fair that your world remains seemingly steady

And though the near future will see a flood of unidentified oceans for me to jump in

It’ll be like breaking windows while walking down the street

Just to get to the next corner

Destructive, yes…but it’s all I can do to not jump in front of that vehicle

So I’ll do a dirty deed or two, and keep heading straight

Because what brought us here was a series of wrong turns

Followed by rug burns

But never a true bandage to the internal scars that developed daily

An ignorance to the reality of the situation

I mean, was I really playing my part or just frontin’

Did I really take care of your heart

Shit, you don’t come with instructions, why didn’t you speak up

Guess it’s hard when I constantly have your feet up

Who cares now, because the dust has settled

And the exit tracks have been made

And it was silly to think that you might make a u-turn strictly because of my tool

But I tried to put in work

I know, these thoughts make me look like a fool,

But if you were me you’d understand.

Shit isn’t that what made you stray in the first place

Or so my insecure ass thinks anyway.

Can’t quite figure it all out

And the cloudiness of my mind makes it all the more difficult

It hurts more because I know I’m no saint

But I was still willing to put the work in

So that makes me better than you

Which isn’t a prize worth claiming

So I let him have the “trophy”

For tomorrow his mantle might be empty

And the destruction that is you

Will only do what you do….so well

Over and over again

Truth is, my happiness is just a couple of blocks up

And I’m heading in its direction

While you move further away from yours

And for that, you’ll forever remain empty

And ain’t shit I can do for you.

Liquid Thoughts

Here I sit, in the corner of this liquor bottle

Some say I’m drowning my sorrows away

Those who don’t know…maybe

It’s no truth of mine since these sorrows have never faced death

Rather their presence is magnified when I’m taking my daily dive

And emotions dance on my skin made of nerve endings

While tears seem to live on my cheeks

You don’t know me, nor do you really care

And though my eyes are puffy, I can see the whispers.

Funny how the burning of my throat pales in comparison…to that which you do not see

The hurt beneath the surface

The demons that haunt and pull at me just enough to make my muscles tense

Don’t judge me just hand me my bottle….or can….or whatever the  hell was I having?

Who cares anyway, it all meets my lips the same way

With a resistant kiss, that leads to a full soul penetration

That will leave me empty in the morning

Full of pessimism, I know the day offers nothing more than…

A few obstacles until my next rendevous

And it’s so cold even though the afternoon sun blazes high above

I wish it would go away indefinitely

Giving me a reason not to hide my face past dawn

But alas, I will wait for dusk

That’s my time to drown those sorrows

Never mind what I already said

My sober mind was mistaken….or was I intoxicated

I’ve seemed to have lost the ability to tell

Sober and drunk thoughts all hurt the same

Where’s my drink already

I’m hiccuping which must mean sobriety is near

I can’t handle the thought of of being seen like this

Please liquor bottle…..make me disappear.