Author Archives: gtwhitfield

About gtwhitfield

Many thoughts run through my mind, and from time to time I find it useful to get these thoughts out on "paper." What I share may not always be pretty, but I feel better when it's out, and occasionally, I'll find something out that's real useful to me...welcome to Though Toilet. Random ramblings from a nondescript individual with a lot on his mind. Why not blog it?

Unleashed Hate

Today, I want to cry.  I’m not alone in how I’m feeling after the mass murder in Orlando.  Whether you call it a terrorist attack or a hate crime or something else, what happened was just senseless and heartbreaking.  But I don’t want to cry solely on the basis of what happened.

I’m upset because WE, created that attack.  WE, yes you reading this included, have created this environment.  How?  Well, we have allowed ourselves to hate.  We have used this thing called social media to say things to purposely get reactions out of people.  We like when we get under each others skin.  We hide behind our screen names and say things that are considered racist, homophobic, and sexist (among other things).  And then when these senseless things happen, we look and wonder why.  We ask over and over, how could this happen, and never look at ourselves.  Never look at how we speak to strangers online when it comes to things like politics, or something as trivial as sporting events.  Never think about how the threats of violence we dish out, or the many violent things we post actually create a violent society.  We can’t continue to do these things and then continue to deny responsibility.  And I speak about online behavior because our hate is more free-flowing that way, but certainly it’s evident in-person as well.

The truth is, you can’t compartmentalize hate.  You can’t spew, or even hint at hate, and act surprised when it ends up at your front door.  There’s no logic in hate.  It’s not like you can hate someone and have universal acceptance of that hate, which ultimately makes hate…. a subjective thing.  So if you can hate for the reasons that make sense to you, someone else can hate for the reasons that make sense to them.  Which means you can hate someone for their race, sexual preference, or religion…just as long as you’re willing to accept someone can hate you for what country you’re in, the color of your hair, or what job you have.  And sure, maybe the hate you have would never drive you to actually go out and hurt someone, but fanning that fire and encouraging someone else to do it is just as bad.  You’re just as accountable.

Just think…you can’t be at a football game, where a rival fan is cheering for his/her team, and threaten to kick their ass because of their enthusiasm, and then when another fan kicks their ass, pretend that you didn’t have a part in it.  Or worse, get mad when your friend/relative gets beat up for cheering for their team.

Maybe this only makes sense to me.  And I know people think the idea of loving one another is soft.  Truth is, it’s much easier to hate.  Loving people is hard.  It takes way more depth to love, but it just sounds too fluffy.  I don’t know when loving people became such a weak thing to do….maybe it’s always been that way, but that just sucks.  But I digress.

What’s even worse is that a tragedy like this, drives people further a part.  How in the world is that possible?  How can we all see an event so greatly tragic and horrible, and still look at our fellow man and make derogatory comments about how others feel, or how they want to prevent it in the future.  That’s why I want to cry.  We are not on a path to where things get better.  We are on a destructive path where a difference of opinion will lead to a fierce battle of will.  Digging in of heels, and refusal of compromise for fear of looking weak

I want to cry because I don’t know what to do.  I want to unite people.  Talk to you to help you see how you are a driver in this vehicle, but I fear I am too late.  I like to think that what I see on TV and online are the extremes, but I’m not seeing evidence of that.  I hope I’m wrong.  I love my fellow man.  I want to see no harm done to any of you, and I pray that those of similar views can come together and take control of this. out of control vehicle before it’s too late.


Isagenix Review

So, this post is a bit different than my regular ones, though I don’t know if I have a regular kind of post.  Let’s face it, I’m all over the place.  In any case, the reason for this post about Isagenix is because I’ve tried it recently.

For those of you not familiar with Isagenix, it is billed as a lifestyle, not a diet, that promises significant weight loss results.  The reason why they use the term lifestyle is because you get the best results if you use their products consistently.  I was introduced to this by my girlfriend, who was very bought into what the products could offer.  Me, being the skeptic I am, thought the whole program was nothing more than another scheme to get people’s money.  You can Google Isagenix just like I did, and you will see plenty of articles for and against the program, and having read my share of the negative reviews, I was convinced that it wasn’t something I would ever try.

Fast forward a few months, my girlfriend was scheduled to move in, and after a few subtle hints from her to give the products I try, I thought…why not.  A few years back, I did a “challenge” that progressively eliminated certain types of food from my diet, for a month.  The last week of the “challenge” was a completely raw fruits and vegetables diet.  At the time I didn’t think I had to lose any weight, but I lost 20 pounds and hadn’t looked better.  Of that 20 pounds, I kept off about 15, largely because I kept with some of the basic principles of it (less red meat, less processed foods, olive oil over vegetable oil, whole wheat over white bread, etc…).  My point is, I had taken away something useful from the challenge and felt that maybe I could learn something from Isagenix.

So, we did a 9 day cleanse (actually 11 days).  The cleanse is a combination of cleanse days (minimal caloric intake) and shake days.  The calorie intake on cleanse days was probably less than 500.  Shake days averaged around 1400 calories, which isn’t too bad.  Shake days consisted of two shakes as meal replacements, and one 400-600 calorie meal.  This also included two 100 calorie snacks.  On cleanse days we had to drink some sort of cleansing concoction four times a day, and were allowed small snacks (30 calories) to help ward off hunger.  And on all of the days we were required to drink lots of water.

Going into the challenge, I was convinced that it would be a diet that encouraged starving, which would naturally lead to weight loss.  And though the caloric intake was very low, I never felt extremely hungry.  No long bouts of growling stomachs, or hunger headaches.  My mind definitely wandered and thought about all types of food, but that’s largely because I love to eat.  After 11 days, I lost 11 pounds and over 20 inches.

I have no expectation that I will keep it all off because I don’t plan on maintaining the same eating habits.  However, I did learn a few things.  Note, that a lot of the things you can learn from this system, you can learn by reading any healthy eating journal.  For example, the cleanse pushed me to drink more water.  And sure enough, more times than not, I was thirsty, not hungry…and so the hungry feeling went away.  I learned that the shakes were really good and satisfying, and I want to continue to use them as a breakfast meal replacement.  One of the reasons is that I barely have time for breakfast, and the nutrients I can get from the shake, are much better than me not eating at all.  It’s also allowed me to take a different look at calories, and the types of calories I consume.  I don’t necessarily count calories, but I have a better idea of what I need to consume to maintain my weight.

Again, none of these things are ground breaking or foreign, but it’s what I needed to give me the push to pay more attention to these things.  It’s helped me grow.  As I said, I love food, so much that it’s one of my major motivations for travel.  But I’m also aware of my health, and my desire to stay in good health.

If you are considering Isagenix, I’d say give it a shot.  Try the 9 day cleanse (there is a 30 day cleanse).  It’s a flexible program, that and it has a lot of support.  I lot of pro-Isagenix blogs will focus on it’s cleansing value.  I’m no scientist, so I can’t comment on that.  I get it from a theoretical level, but that doesn’t make it true, so I’ll leave it to you to do your own research.  But if you’d like to try something that can potentially help you take control of eating habits, and push you closer to a healthier lifestyle, it’s a good opportunity.  Keep in mind, you have plenty of options.  You can Google clean eating and get a ton of free information.  But if you’re like me, a program like this might be a good push.

Though my purpose for this post isn’t to sell you the product, if you’re interested, message me and I can help you out.  I hope you found this information useful.


I believed in what we had

More than I believed in what I could bring

See, I looked to you to carry it all

And all I had to give you was a ring

Satisfaction didn’t need to be grounded in action

It was the mere fact that I was right there with you

Paid no mind to the signs

Never really worried about your issues

Not a we nor an I

It was all about the problems of you

You’d see I was a God and would figure out what to do

And when your routine switched up

My failure as a man only presented as anger

And when the weed smoked settled

I saw you as a stranger

Again it was about you

And the ills of your ways

You needed to be treated like a child

I wanted to know how you spent your days

And nights even… whenever we were separate

I got tight

I could barely touch your skin

Without wanting to fight

Thinking you was laid up with your lace stuff

Getting straight fucked

in a place nothing like home…. it was something I made up

Back blown out, that’s why I can’t be leaving you alone

Or you can’t be leaving me

Constantly checking my phone

See this is where my mind goes

That insecurity got me swaying like the wind blows

That stability that is needed

I didn’t bring my share

I just wanted a piece of property

The rest I really didn’t care

I brought nothing to the table except drama and pain

All from providing nothing

Now I won’t be seeing you again

See I looked to you to carry it all

That’s what I said before

But I thought you wanted to stay right here

Never wanting more….from me

So I didn’t change, shit I really didn’t try

We already on paper

I thought there was no saying goodbye

It’s cheaper to keep her, yeah I heard it before

But my love was already bankrupt

She ain’t got nothing to stay for

See that love was supposed to grow

As we did the same together

There’d be dips along the way

Put we promised that for better

Or worse, those words were lies for you and me both

There was no growth so now the salted land is burning the oath

We were never truly meant for this

One of us wasn’t ready,

I’ll continue to point at you though

Me changing is too heavy

So the separation is next who gets what

It don’t even matter

We’ve got nothing to split

Except happily ever after

Oh you want that D now

Sign on the dotted line then

Don’t let the door hit you on your way out

And no we can’t be friends

So now I’m back where I started

Alone here with me

And some hoes in my contact list

Dam it feels good to be free

Or am I fronting

Caught in the Matrix

“Perception is reality.”  I remember when I first graduated college, this was one of the first phrases I was taught by a new boss of mine.  It made so much sense, and it has allowed me to assess many situations in my life.  Today, I don’t want to go into much, but at this moment, I have Baltimore on my mind.  And this phrase crept its way into my consciousness, by way of Neo in The Matrix.

I’ll keep it simple.  One day, while racing for the phone/portal to bring him back to the real world, Neo was confronted by his enemies.  Up to this point, his best defense against them was to fight until there was space to run, and then fight another day.  However, on this particular day, at this particular moment, Neo took a different path.  Initially, his enemies (in their usual fashion) began shooting at him, and succeeded in “killing” him.  Sprinkle a little Hollywood magic and Neo was brought back to life.  At which point his enemies began shooting at him again.  This time, Neo understood what was happening around him.  He understood that these bullets weren’t real.  This world he was standing in, wasn’t real.  It was his perception of a reality created by someone else.  Once he finally realized that, he was able to simply look at the bullets closing in on him and say, “no!”  And they dropped to the ground.  From that point forward, Neo had a lot of control in this world.

I’ll stop there.  My point is, and maybe this only makes sense to me…If we continue to accept what someone else is telling us (largely the media and the government) about the current state of our race relations…if we continue to fight one another about who is right and who is wrong (dodging bullets), and retreat to our corners only to fight about the same issue at a later date, we will never get anywhere.  Those of us who truly want to see a country of equal citizens need to look these enemies in the face and say “no!”  This reality you’ve created by sensationalizing certain stories on the news, is not the reality I choose to live in.  All cops aren’t shooting black citizens.  All black citizens aren’t robbing, raping, and murdering.  And this resistance can be applied to any  “reality” for any race, religion, national origin, or gender that has been portrayed in a certain light.

Certainly, there are people who fit the narrative being highlighted.  But that’s just a part of the human experience.  There’s someone who looks just like you, or who shares your religion, or who shares your gender, who fits into that same narrative.  And I’m sure you’d find it to be unfair if someone judged you based on that person.  I’m just saying, we need to stop letting the media perception (it’s all about ratings anyway) dictate our reality.  I know this little, rarely read, blog won’t do much to change it.  But I needed to express my thoughts.  Stop arguing about who’s right or wrong on social media…stop calling people names, and making sweeping judgments based on what you see on TV, or recorded and posted to the internet (those people have their own agendas).  Let’s get out there and make our own reality.  Let’s create our own shared agenda.  The destruction of inequality, prejudice, and racism by eliminating it from ourselves and our surroundings, and highlighting and ostracizing those who refuse to do the same.

I don’t have all of the answers.  I know the challenges are complex, and in some instances, so woven into the fabric of our society that it will take decades to unravel.  But it has to start somewhere, and the best place for that is…in your mind.  See your reality different.  Exit the matrix, and bring the fight to the real enemies.

What Do You Live For

This is one of the most important questions you can ask yourself when trying to find happiness in life…at least according to me.  What do you live for?  Understand this…there will always be someone who thinks you’re not doing enough “something” in your life.  You don’t work out enough, you don’t eat well enough, you don’t know enough history, you haven’t thought enough about the future, you don’t have enough money, you watch too much TV, etc…

The thing with life is that there are hundreds of billions of things to know and do, and you are never, no matter how much you try, going to know or do each one of those things inside and out.  So never mind what other people say.  Stop reading things in social media where people wax poetic about how knowledgeable they are about politics, or how to stop ISIS, or global warming…and how stupid you are if you aren’t paying attention to your vitamin D intake.  Find what you live for, and live for it.  If you love your family, then do things with your family, and live for that.  If you like to travel, get out there and explore.  If you’re an educator, educate the world.  Or if you like watching TV or movies, sit your happy ass on your couch, and watch what you like.  And I’m not saying only choose one, but find the things you live for, and live for them.  If it changes because your heart wants to do something more, follow it.  But don’t follow another person down the path of what they live for because they tell you that you should.

And if you have no idea what you’re living for, and you have no idea what makes you happy, then try stuff out.  Dip your toe in, or jump in head first, but try new stuff.  Travel, shop, draw, bartend, learn a new language, whatever.  Remember, there’s hundreds of billions of things to know and do, so I’m sure you’ll find something.   I only have two disclaimers…one, this does not include things that are illegal, or harmful (physically or emotionally) to yourself or others.  And two, understand that there are some things you have to learn to live for.  For example, if you have kids, you’re already committed to living (at least) some of your life for them.

Reflections of the Future

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned a lot of things.  One of those things is that nothing in life is guaranteed.  I know, we’ve heard it all before, but whenever I hear that I always think of it in an abstract kind of way.  Recently, I’ve put more thought into it, and I can see it in practice.

When I was younger, I was taught not to view everyone as a friend, and I think I took that advice.  I was under no delusion that the people i knew in high school were actually friends, and would actually be there for me when I needed them.  After high school, there were a handful of those friends who stuck with me, and we began to build upon that relationship.  All throughout my 20’s, these were the people I would ride or die for.  These were my friends.  In my 20’s, I was sure that these were the people I would know for the rest of my life.

Then, in my 30’s, those same friends were still with me, but life began to change.  Those individuals were getting married and having kids, and moving onto another stage in life.  Luckily, the foundation we created during our younger years allows us to still stay close, but what we used to do, no longer was happening.  The every weekend hangouts evolved into seeing them on special occasions.  As this happened, my weekend nights were taken over by new acquaintances.  These new acquaintances showed me new experiences; things I had never really thought I would do and enjoy.  I’ve even gone out of the country with these new acquaintances.  I never saw that coming.

As I approach my late 30’s, I still know these same people and enjoy spending time with them.  I’ve also learned that I enjoy spending time with myself, travelling, and trying new food.  My point is, what I knew about my life when I was younger is not quite what it is now.  It’s all a part of growing up, and anyone older than I could have told me this would happen.

Truth is, I never had anything really planned out, with the exception of a loosely targeted career.  But I had ideas.  Ideas that fell within my, then, current comfort zone.  But, the changes I’ve experienced, though not major, have given me a new outlook.  I don’t expect that things will move too far beyond my comfort zone, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it did.  And honestly, that unknown is actually exciting, not scary.

I know that in five or ten years, I could be right where I am.  Or I could be living somewhere overseas.  I may be married with two kids (I think two is my max, but who knows), or I could be single (not my preference).  I’m old enough to realize that life is a gift, and whatever happens in it should be embraced.  There’s going to be pain, and hurt (hell, there could be disease and disability in my future) and I’ll have to deal with that, but there will also be opportunity, possibility, and tons of happiness if I allow it.  That’s what I don’t think many could prepare me for.  They couldn’t prepare me for how excited I’d be for what’s ahead, and I find that interesting…how everyone views the future differently.  That’s not to say I’m not embracing my present.  I’m doing much more of that these days as well.  I guess what I’m saying, is that this life thing…it’s pretty neat.  I pray that I have plenty of days ahead of me to embrace it like I’ve never done before.  Just my thoughts.



Hanging Graves

I should start by saying, I have serious issues.

Recently, I was sitting in my bosses boss’s office having a typical meeting.  I don’t normally let my mind wander while having these conversations but as the conversation was nearing a resolution, my mind began to find other things to notice.

So he’s an avid hiker.  I’m pretty sure he’d rather deal with the woods before dealing with any one of us that report to him, but he gets paid to deal with us, so there he sits.  As an avid hiker, he has pictures of some of the trails he has hiked.  I’ve seen these pictures every day for a few years now.  But, as I sit there on this day, I began to have a very morbid thought.  Likely, due to my brain preoccupied with serious analysis for a few hours and in need of some entertainment.

I began to think about my boss as a serial killer.  He killed along the trails while he hiked.  And the pictures in his office were actually pictures of grave sites.  His way of keeping a trophy of his deeds.  As I thought this, the lights began to go down, and I looked up to find his eyes piercing my soul.  He had noticed my preoccupation with the photos, and knew I was onto him.  As he stared at me, he knew that I would need to be dealt with.  He looked over to an empty spot on the wall, and immediately envisioned a new trophy….another photo of a grave site…and one less employee.

Like I said, I have issues.  My thoughts don’t typically get that weird, especially while at work.  The little man in my head was hard at work that day (I’ll tell you about him some other time).  I may never know the true innocence or horror of those photos, but I’m sure I’ll think about it every time I’m back in that office.  I mean, it’s not impossible, right?