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You left…so long ago

And I want to begin my journey forward

But how can I begin to make that next move

When the past continues to sit right in front of me

Most of it hidden away in boxes

But it still screams at me

In the night as the liquor flows

The sounds only seem to get louder

And all I can do to get through, is to listen

I’ve pretended for as long as I can

But the things get the upperhand….occassionally.

I just wish I could sleep

Without seeing them floating

Causing dreams that make being awake a nightmare

There truly is no escape

And as I close the books, and put away the pictures

Assuming it’s all locked away

Something rears its head

And I’m back where I started.

Rummaging through the embedded memories

Watching as if it were a motion picture

The scenes more dramatic when played back like this

They make me more emotional

And suddenly, I’m back in that room

With the portal re-opened

The visuals more real than my mind could imagine

Wondering when this cycle will end

Hoping it never does

As the emotion keeps me connected to you

And somehow that gives me hope

Gives us hope.

I sometimes I see beyond those things in that box

I see things that don’t belong to me

They belong to the world, yet they are mine…my burden

That tree we had our first kiss underneath

Or that coffee shop we ate in every Saturday morning

Even that bar you met him at

All reminders, some gentle and some so heavy

Of a time that has expired

I swear I’m ready to move on

But how….how can one take that next step

How can one move forward

When with every step, I risk

Running into one of these Things?

You left hours ago

And though I’m alone, I don’t feel empty

Your love has brought me further than I ever imagined possible

And though I’m unsure of our direction, I do know that your love is uplifting

Not to be cornered by the usual suspects of jealousy and envy

That upward movement can only take us over and above the haters

Yes, they will do what they do, and you and I will keep it moving

As they self destruct in our wake

Their emptiness is of no concern to me

Their bitterness toward our happiness, is a trophy worthy of its weight to them

And like a prize to us, for we wish them well,

And we are better for it.

I lay here smiling because I worked so hard for you, before you

I wasn’t a saint, but for every one of them, I’ll show you a sinner

My mind previously clouded with thoughts of just getting some

Has figured out that my focus on just getting one is more than enough

No longer insecure….I’m sure you are all I want and need

I no longer look to stray to have something to say to the homeboys

They’ll never understand, but it’s all good because it’s not about them anyway

Truth be told, I’d rather be a fool to them than to you

Shit, I can’t believe what I’m saying…but I’m truly trying to put in work

It’s weird because I’m using all the tools I picked up along the way

And this time I swear, I’m not taking any emergency exits

I’m occupying your soul until I collect dust

So instruct me the best way you know how

Of the ways to make your heart happy

Because I’d be sick if I only ended up playing a small part

A trivial role in your life, ignorant to the art….that is us

I know I can be a bandage to your past scars

The arson to burn those, forgettable relationship, bridges

And guarantee any future turn you make will be in the right direction

My sense for you has been strong since birth

It just took me awhile to find you as I had to work on my vehicle

Not necessarily one that corners well

But one that could deal with life’s ups and downs without breaking…no insecurities

So now the confidence I have built, will allow me to carry us through floods…if necessary

Preserving the world I’m so certain we can construct

And offering no apologies to those who go against us

Which may mean saying goodbye to a few who don’t want to see our success

Let their hate thrust us even closer

And hold on even tighter

Wow…maybe I’m moving too fast, but the deed to my heart

Is already yours, and the bond that is developing

Is a feeling that is so unfamiliar to me

All that being said, I don’t truly know where we are headed

And I may be just grasping at straws

But in this moment, where my head is swimming in the possibilities

The future of my relations is almost indistinguishable from yours

And once I lay inside of you, consummating our bond

A simple I love you will be all that is needed

Followed by a kiss on the neck

And there isn’t shit I wouldn’t do for you!

Faithful Silence

I once heard…though it’s quite possible that I’m making this up, in which case I’ll take credit…..that life, in it’s most basic and simplest form, is a series of decisions.  What time should I set my alarm for?  How much can I snooze it?  What should I eat for breakfast.  All decisions you have to make for the morning, and this isn’t nearly half of them.

See, as we gather information (1am means bedtime, growling stomach means I’m hungry) we are then prompted to make decisions.  Almost everything we do is based on a conscious evaluation of available data, and then a conscious action.  This is not always the case as we do not consciously control our breathing or heart beat, though these are necessary functions.  We also may not make conscious decisions when it comes to life or death split second reactions, like moving out of the way of an surprise oncoming vehicle.  Even then a decision is made, just not one that you had time to think of.

It’s this decision making followed by an action that helps us live a fulfilling life.  It’s also the same thing that gets us in trouble sometimes.  It’s important to take cues from the data and react, but sometimes the reaction is to do nothing.  It’s a decision, and it’s an action, but it’s seemingly less dynamic than what we are programmed to do.  The actions we take can get us into trouble when we have evaluated the information incorrectly.  This typically happens when there is a lack of information.  We sometimes get ourselves into trouble by allowing the action to be an emotional confrontation.  This serves no purpose, and your action will likely be met with an emotional reaction (that other person or group of people are choosing to act as well).

I am not a faithful church goer, but I feel I have a good relationship with God.  Whether or not you do, is up to you, but I think it’s an important relationship to have.  So much that I have to continue to learn that if I put my faith in Him, that things will turn out okay.  They may not turn out how I want them, but they will be okay.  And sometimes, when I want to act on my interpretation of data, I have to think about what God is truly telling me, or not telling me.  Most of the time, he’s telling me to let him handle it.  Whatever needs to be done, will be done….and maybe I’ll see it and maybe I won’t.  But I have to have that faith.  He has said, “Vengeance will be mine.”  If I don’t, I risk doing more damage than good.

For those of you who do not believe in God, look at it this way.  The world is about balance.  Maybe not specifically in your life, though I’m sure if you took a good hard (and honest) look at it, you’d see just how balanced it is.  But since the world is about balance, anything that’s happening to you…any wrongdoing that someone has committed against you, as long as you choose not to react, the pendulum will swing the other way.  You have to believe that.  If you react, and your response is just as toxic, you’re likely to be on the bad end of things once balance is sought.

I know this sounds so out there, and even as I write this I feel like I’m trying to sell you a book, but I’m not.  I’m just trying to share something that I constantly have to re-learn.  Just as recently as today, a series of emails at work were sent, and I was clearly thrown under the proverbial bus.  My immediate thought, after analyzing the information, was to attack back.  I had the facts that weren’t being shared, and I had the venom to make someone else’s day (really just that moment) as bad as mine.  But I didn’t.  I sat quietly, and waited to see if balance would vindicate me.  And though it didn’t happen quite how I wanted, the truth was brought to light.  And once it was, I would have been well within my rights (at least I thought so) to rub it in, but I didn’t.  I simply replied with the facts available, and even removed people from the email that didn’t need to know that these other people were idiots.  LOL, I can say that now.

My point being is that having a belief that your wrongs will be righted, and they don’t have to be always righted by you, will make your life a little less stressful.  It will prevent you from doing things that you’ll eventually regret.  It will stop you from making big mistakes that are life altering.  I’m not saying you should never react.  Sometimes, that’s just what the situation warrants.  Just understand that some decisions can be to just do nothing and wait for balance to be restored.

Casually Related Sun

If you ever want to truly get to know someone, spend approximately 48 straight hours with them.  This number can certainly change depending on the individual in question.  The initial high, natural or artificial, that normally accompanies a brief period of hanging out tends to wear off within that time frame.  Don’t believe me?

Think about it.  How many people do you call your buddy, or good friend, that you only seem to see at the bar?  Hopefully not many.  But what about coworkers, or friends of friends that you like hanging out with at bars?  You feel you know them.  You’ve seen them drunk and sober.  They’ve talked about their jobs and friends.  You know all about their spouses, significant others, and family.  But how well do you really know them?  The bar only offers an opportunity to see your “friend” in one state of mind.  Yes, the state of mind has different frequencies, but it’s all basically the same.  Sober, drunk, and that weird energetic talkative stage in between that people call buzzed.

The truth is, you haven’t really understood who this person is.  I’ve gone on overnight trips with different coworkers that has given me this perspective.  Sure, you arrive at your destination and everything is all good because you’re riding that high.  Hell, you might even get high, but usually by the next day that’s all fallen flat.  Now you meet the real person.  Some people are really early risers, while others sleep late and hate when you’re banging around the house.  Some people are cranky and some are downright rude.  Some don’t like it when all of the orange juice is gone, and some really get pissy when you move or touch their stuff.  Oh, and it gets so much worse when you have to now come to an agreement on things like what to do for the day, or who’s going to drive everyone to the place where you’re going.  Finding showers when you need them, or leaving the toilet seat up, or not cleaning up after yourself can all be things that shed a new light on this “friend.”

The little knowledge you have of this person is like how we casually relate to the sun.  I mean, we know it keep us warm, and greets us in the morning while bidding us farewell at night.  But we forget about the other things that happens with the sun…the various solar flares it gives off.  The giver of vitamin d, initiating photosynthesis, and the fact that it is the center of our solar system.  These friends are so much more than that person you see at the bar, so it’s important that you play your position.  That is, be aware that if you take your friendship beyond the boundaries of your frequented water hole, you may not be able to come back from the potential disaster that awaits you.

Me, I’ve been lucky.  The friends I have are planners.  That is, they lay out the events so very little (of the conflict causing decisions) is left to chance, so things like meals are planned.  And you know it ahead of time.  They are also good at allowing large chunks of “do whatever you want” time.  If it’s a ski trip, you know where and what time you’ll be skiing, and if you’re not into it, that’s fine..do whatever you want.  It’s a two-fold attack that allows fun to be had by all and allows everyone to be in a good mood once it’s time to get back on that high (dusk).  Still, be aware of the other little intricacies listed above (clean up after yourself).   LOL.  Anyway, this was just my rambling.  No real point.  Happy New Year!

You left hours ago

Yet I can still feel the words bouncing off my neck

“I love you,” you said

As I lay inside of you

Your sweat indistinguishable from mine

Our skin yearning to hold onto each other….for just another moment

Or was it mine just grasping

How my heart aches because I know where you’re headed

A familiar pillow will sit beneath you

Or as it is, familiar now….I’m just saying

You said the words that broke the bond

You did the deed that broke the trust

But I couldn’t help but try to hold on

Even though you were getting pushed further away with every thrust

It was a good-bye that pulled tears

And a barrage of apologies that fell on deaf ears

It’s not fair that your world remains seemingly steady

And though the near future will see a flood of unidentified oceans for me to jump in

It’ll be like breaking windows while walking down the street

Just to get to the next corner

Destructive, yes…but it’s all I can do to not jump in front of that vehicle

So I’ll do a dirty deed or two, and keep heading straight

Because what brought us here was a series of wrong turns

Followed by rug burns

But never a true bandage to the internal scars that developed daily

An ignorance to the reality of the situation

I mean, was I really playing my part or just frontin’

Did I really take care of your heart

Shit, you don’t come with instructions, why didn’t you speak up

Guess it’s hard when I constantly have your feet up

Who cares now, because the dust has settled

And the exit tracks have been made

And it was silly to think that you might make a u-turn strictly because of my tool

But I tried to put in work

I know, these thoughts make me look like a fool,

But if you were me you’d understand.

Shit isn’t that what made you stray in the first place

Or so my insecure ass thinks anyway.

Can’t quite figure it all out

And the cloudiness of my mind makes it all the more difficult

It hurts more because I know I’m no saint

But I was still willing to put the work in

So that makes me better than you

Which isn’t a prize worth claiming

So I let him have the “trophy”

For tomorrow his mantle might be empty

And the destruction that is you

Will only do what you do….so well

Over and over again

Truth is, my happiness is just a couple of blocks up

And I’m heading in its direction

While you move further away from yours

And for that, you’ll forever remain empty

And ain’t shit I can do for you.

On My Day Off

Occasionally, and usually toward the end of the year, I end up taking days off.  I have to get rid of them since I lose them at the end of the year.  The thing I struggle with is, do I get up as early as I would for work and enjoy the entire day, or do I sleep in.  It’s a struggle I have yet to resolve.

 

Sleep

Liquid Thoughts

Here I sit, in the corner of this liquor bottle

Some say I’m drowning my sorrows away

Those who don’t know…maybe

It’s no truth of mine since these sorrows have never faced death

Rather their presence is magnified when I’m taking my daily dive

And emotions dance on my skin made of nerve endings

While tears seem to live on my cheeks

You don’t know me, nor do you really care

And though my eyes are puffy, I can see the whispers.

Funny how the burning of my throat pales in comparison…to that which you do not see

The hurt beneath the surface

The demons that haunt and pull at me just enough to make my muscles tense

Don’t judge me just hand me my bottle….or can….or whatever the  hell was I having?

Who cares anyway, it all meets my lips the same way

With a resistant kiss, that leads to a full soul penetration

That will leave me empty in the morning

Full of pessimism, I know the day offers nothing more than…

A few obstacles until my next rendevous

And it’s so cold even though the afternoon sun blazes high above

I wish it would go away indefinitely

Giving me a reason not to hide my face past dawn

But alas, I will wait for dusk

That’s my time to drown those sorrows

Never mind what I already said

My sober mind was mistaken….or was I intoxicated

I’ve seemed to have lost the ability to tell

Sober and drunk thoughts all hurt the same

Where’s my drink already

I’m hiccuping which must mean sobriety is near

I can’t handle the thought of of being seen like this

Please liquor bottle…..make me disappear.

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